I can be autocritical at times…I’m aware, don’t worry

“If it’s worth doing, it’s worth doing right.
If it’s not worth doing right, it’s not worth doing at all.
If it can’t be done right, do something else you can do right instead.”

-Anonymous

I encountered this maxim from my mother’s Executive Digest way back the 1980’s, displayed in our ancestral home in Laguna. I believe it’s a lesson against mediocrity and the lax attitude of people, and that includes me.

I need not to dwell so much with this, it speaks for itself.
Whatever the interpretation I have of it can be different from others, from time to time, and depending on the circumstance.

This blog’s kind of short…
What should I do, go on with something that says what it really means right in front of my face?
I’d better do more things that I can do right, right?

Without the Sword’s Slash

“You don’t have to carry the burden by yourself
Let your friends take some of your pain, and the resolve that goes with it!
Did you ever think about how everyone around you felt while you tried to carry everything on your own?
I know someone who didn’t like to rely on others, just like you
In the end, he was weaker than everyone else!”

These lines were taken from the Bleach Movie 2: The Diamond Dust Rebellion. I can somehow relate to these lines spoken by Substitute Shinigami (Death God) Kurosaki Ichigo to 10th Squad Shinigami Captain Hitsugaya Toushirou, who seemed to have abandoned his squad to move through his personal agenda (watch the movie and you’ll see).

With that aside, I can be seen as both the person speaking those lines and the person spoken to with it. There are times when I want to tell people, especially those close to me, to share with me their pains, sufferings or anything negative; as well as anything contrary to it. However, that being something wanted remains at it is, and never reached fruition. I must also consider the fact that letting the person do as he/she wishes is the best thing to do in certain situations.

I have friends, but I can say that they (or even me, honestly) changed. Some went through their lives…on a different pace, on a different path…a path where I am not a part of. I can say that I did the same. Sometimes I realize that the best for me is to think about people who had been parts of my past remain as such, and that was a lesson taught to me by someone.

But for those who are still there (either physically or in thought), especially those who I still have the chance to talk to, listen to, and be with, I try my best to let them know that I am still here; whatever the circumstances may be. Moreover, I let them know that I am not only here, but that they can always come to me whenever they want to, or whatever they wish to let me be a part of. I am a barkada to some, an acquaintance to others, and an older brother to many.

For those times that I was somehow the one spoken to with those li`nes, I can remember that I felt that I am better off without others; that I can do everything on my own. I thought I can face my own problems, deal with my own downfalls and sufferings and just be happy by myself whenever something good comes along. I was wrong, and I realized it when I met my girlfriend. I can remember sometime in the past when she told me that I was strong in a world where only I live; and when I am already out of it, I am the weakest person. Then I realized that though there may be times that people may seem to be more of a burden than a help to me, them being there could mean so much after all.

With all of these said, I realized that I can never be the person that I am now without those people that I had shared my life with, and had shared their lives with me. Whatever the chances, places, people, times and even experiences that I was opened up to…made me the person I was, makes me the person that I am now, and will make me the person that I’ll be.

negativity

It has been months since I posted something in this blog. One or more reasons would never be made as an excuse on why it happened, period.

Just a few updates on what happened to me during my “digital/blog” absence…

Since my last post (August), I had encountered one hurdle after another, and one particular hurdle that I am had was the moment my girlfriend broke up with me. Yah, we’re back to each other as of the moment, but that doesn’t erase the fact that it happened. Moreover, it left us both with wounds to heal, as well as lessons to learn.

Sometimes, I just can’t understand myself. Why do I still have to suffer a lot for me to learn? Why do I have to experience being slammed in the face with the unbridled truth just to realize that I am wrong? Why can’t I accept things at the very moment they’re given to me? With the attitude that I have right now, I have doubts if I am worthy of what is given me…

I’ve made wrong choices and decisions in my life, and these not only affect me, but others as well. What I always resent with myself if that when these things happen, others suffer; if not with me, because of me. Maybe I am just being punished for everything that I did wrong, with myself and with others.

Whatever consequences I have to face because of my stupidity and ignorance, I have to face. Yah, even if I don’t want it. Maybe, I just don’t learn from what it seems like a “broken record”…

...

do what you're supposed to do,
don't just brag about it

and by the way...

the next time that i would not be given justice
is the last time...

you know what i mean

After the Storm…

From that misunderstanding that my girlfriend and I had, I was able to realize a lot of things:

1. There is still a lot to learn from one another. Though we are already a year and a couple of months together now, there is still a lot to learn. There are still a lot of misunderstandings to face, conflicts to solve, and differences to be aware of. I admit that I thought I already know my girlfriend fully, so much so that I most of the time try to predict what she’s thinking, and then end up wrong. With that, we end up having little quarrels, which then turn into bigger ones…which then deal more damage to our relationship.
2. There has to be room for understanding, especially coming from me. I am guilty of trying to rationalize anything and everything, so much so that I do not believe in anything happening having no reason at all. Sometimes, I think I just have to believe in her more, more than I used to. I also have to understand that both she and I have a lot of difference at this point in time, especially when academics is the topic. I have to understand that she needs more time now with everything’s she’s doing at school, even though that would mean that our time together would be sacrificed. If until now, I would not be able to understand and accept that, then maybe there is really something big and wrong about me.
3. There has to be more acceptances of circumstances, also especially coming from me. I have to accept the fact that we are not the same, and I have to deal with that difference. Why does it have to come to this that I came to realize that our relationship is more of dynamic (changing) than static (status quo)? That dynamicity of our relationship, if not steered well, may turn into something disastrous, for us (like what almost happened with us now). I need to understand, more than knowing, that the fact that we’re different and that our relationship’s changing, that I need to get out of my shell and be more accepting of everything that would come in our way. if I cannot do that, then there’s got to be something really wrong about me.
4. I have to quit being a wisecrack and over-acting in the circumstances where I am not needed to be as such. Just last night, after we had another quarrel, I asked myself “Why is it so hard for me to accept things as it is?” She told me the reasons why she was unable to connect or contact me last Wednesday, but I realized that it is me who found it so hard to just accept (then over-react) to what she said. It’s not that I did not believe her, but it’s just that I saw that there was a chance to do it, but it wasn’t done. She was looking at more important things, and this has to happen just for me to understand that. I feel sorry for myself. Much more, I am in constant asking for apology with my girlfriend.

Baby, I am really sorry.

By this moment, we’re now okay…We sure hope and pray it would always stay this way.

Being Proud, and Being Sorry

Just last Wednesday (July 23), my girlfriend was able to receive an award from her school. She ranked #1 Dean’s Lister in her batch and #5 in the whole school.

All that I can say is with that: I am so proud of her.

She told me how people from her school congratulated her and even cheered for her during the ceremonies. It was just too bad that I wasn’t there, nor I was able to greet her personally after that. She became too busy after the ceremonies that she was not able to have the time to tell me what happened. Her migraine towards the afternoon also came in the wrong time. This caused quite a big misunderstanding between us; big in the sense that we were not in good terms for more than two days. It was my fault actually, and I admit it.

Baby…I am sorry. I am really sorry.

After a Long Time

When was the last time that I had the chance to sit down by myself and think?

Why is it that when I am already relatively free from my academic responsibilities that I have the least time to stop and have some time to be aware of what’s happening around me, and moreover, within me?

Is it because that I am making myself available to others more than I give myself my availability?

Is it because that I am just being lazy, knowing that I have more time to give myself some slacking off?

Maybe I am just taking a rest. For quite some time, I am so concerned of others around me that I end up almost without any time for myself. I find it hard within me to give myself, or what I can do, to someone in need. Sometimes I end up asking, “is it because I had enough of the feeling of being rejected, that I wish not to be the subject inflicting or the object inflicted with it?” or “is it just because I choose to do it, since I do not have much to do?”

But honestly speaking, I feel that there are people who just take advantage of my present condition. Sometimes, it just can’t be helped. Though I know the difference of doing something voluntarily and being asked/forced to do something, I sometimes end up being a “forced volunteer”. How? Live my life…you’ll see.

This is just describing how I feel. I am not complaining.

this test tells that i'm...

this test tells that i'm...

random thoughts...

I saw you, and I am definitely sure you saw me.

I tried to connect to you, but I was taken aback by your cold stare.

I never walked away from you, much more leave you.

I never left you.

But maybe my absence makes you feel left behind.

I’m sorry, but please understand…I tried…

=====

I understand that it is wise at some time that you’ll be praised by what you do.

Just take into mind that maybe…I say maybe,

That you’ll serve for the sake of it alone.

Just like them.

=====

I learned from Confucius that one must do what he is supposed to do.

If a carpenter, do carpentry.

If a teacher, teach.

If a doctor, heal the sick.

Though this does not stop one from doing other things,

Doing other things is far different than hoarding them all,

Even those not one is supposed to do.

=====

I have been disillusioned with the fact that we can never be what we used to be.

After seeing you and being with you for a while,

I’ve been struck with that sad fact.

Can we be better? Or just let ourselves fall to ruin?

I thought making you do things on your own would make you happy, making you find your own life…since you’re growing

But when I’m trying to come back, why push me away?

=====

Losing “Friends”

“Hindi ako manhid at hindi rin ako tanga para hindi ko maramdaman and nangyayaring sa paligid ko“.

I never had the luxury of friends, I know. Ever since I was a kid, I just had a handful, and this handful even fades away, one after the other. Yes, I have a lot of friends, in its general term. However, for those people who remain true to what a friend really is…they’re just a few.

From my former home in Muntinlupa, the only people I can really call friends until now are not more than equivalent to all the number of the fingers in my hands.

From my former companions in the seminary, where I spent 7 years of my life, almost everyone completely forgot that I exist.

From my friends at my religious community, do they still remember me?

And from where I am now, can someone please tell me?

I can’t blame them. And I choose not to. Maybe it’s my fault too. Or rather, I believe that it’s partly my fault why I’m losing them. But I won’t admit to such nonsense that spoke of that I’m pushing people away.

I find it weird that I have a lot of friends in sites such as Friendster or Multiply. But are they, really, my friends? Maybe, some of them were…How about right now?

Questions in my head, some of them, popped out like: “Is it because that I’m not with you anymore, that you treat me like a stranger?” or “Is it because that we had crossed each other out that we’re both not open to mend?” But one of the things that I am asking myself right now is, “Do they really see me as a friend, or someone/something else?”

I try to reach out as best as I can, but right now, I am hesitating if what I’m doing still has of any worth. I want, and try, to connect once more to the people that I had been with, to be a friend once more to them.

I cannot stand alone. And I choose not to.

This may be my weakness, but I accept it.

just a simple realization...

for a certain event in my life, i saw that...

when i left, i was forgotten and left behind
seems like everyone forgot about me, or chose to do so
thus, i realized that there is nothing to come back to...

if you only know the reason behind
you may see that there is more than what meets the eye
much more, your eyes in what you're seeing...right now

Waiting for that time to come…

Just today, I celebrated with my girlfriend the 11 months that we had been officially together. Next month, on my birthday, we’ll be having our anniversary. And I thank the Lord for this day (as I always do every day), and much more, I thank the Lord for the strength and continuing guidance He provided us to still be together and in love with each other.

I fetched her in her house at around 9 in the morning and left a little before 10. We went to SM Southmall and roamed around for a little less than 2 hours. We ate our simple lunch together at the foodcourt and went to the cinema. We decided to have some laughs to digest our lunch, so we watched “Superhero Movie”; and as expected, after the movie, we felt hungry again (haha…) I bought her something to drink on the way home, and arrived back to her house at around 4 in the afternoon.

A simple and happy day it was for the both of us, but it was not like that every day…

This past week, for example. We had a lot of misunderstandings, small quarrels and even empty senseless arguments with each other; most of the time was caused by me. From a single complaint such as her not texting me whenever she can, to an argument caused by her not telling me to who she is communicating to; and some others.

Yes, of all those times, we argued and argued to the point that either or both of us would end up crying. And also, for all those times, I ask myself, “What’s happening to me? What’s wrong with me? Am I still afraid of the past?”

But, for all those times that I doubt myself, my worthiness to her and to the joy of the relationship that we’re sharing, she always lets me know that, “Everything’s going to be fine, I’m always here for you. I love you so much”.

There were times that I tell myself, though not in a boastful manner, that she’s lucky to have me. Now, I see myself as wrong. I realized and had completely understood that I’m lucky that I have her. Moreover, I am blessed that I am with her, and she is with me. I love my girlfriend so much.

I just wish that when we’re ready, we can really be together…forever.

Collection of Experiences

It had been quite a while since I last visited and jotted some thoughts to this blog. I had been busy these past few days, for a month or so. Ever since I arrived back home from Canlubang last March 15, I had been given the duty as “temporary” househelper of the house; considering that our helper went home to Bicol for her vacation. She deserves her break, I understand. And as for my part, I need to contribute to the welfare of the house and the family in any way I can, right? (Considering that I’m a member of it)

Some of the scattered experiences I had during that time until the present (some of those that I can remember) are as follows (in enumeration):

• Had my mother’s birthday the next day after I arrived, and I pushed myself not to sleep though tired to make a simple birthday gift to her (a birthday card)
• Been in charge of the whole house, and experiences only short day-offs during the Sunday afternoons from 5 in the afternoon until around 9 in the evening to be with my girlfriend for mass and dinner at her place (I felt like Cinderella with a short time then J)
• Cleaning the whole place, inside and outside the house, in a scheduled basis rotating twice for the whole week.
• Be in charge of two of my brothers (one older, the other younger than me), who are considered as the most disorganized when the house is the topic. Whenever they leave a certain area, I have to be sure that it is placed back in order or else…haha
• Cooking simple dishes for lunch and dinner, especially when my parents tell me to. They would call me up in the afternoon to give me instructions on what to cook and how to cook it.
• Was able to visit our old house in Muntinlupa and gave the old grotto there a “new look” (I repainted the whole of it, using a set of small brushes for detail)
• Went home to Laguna to be in our family’s traditional Holy Week observance there. Unfortunately, only my dad and I went there.
• Was able to survive the mountain of clothes to be washed when our labandera didn’t arrive when she had to. I washed the family’s 7 days worth of clothes and others with the help of the good old washing machine and my hands. My hands still hurt until now (jokes!)

There’s still a lot more, and I’ll post them next time. No one can tell me that I was a slacker during vacation, right? J

makes me whole...(a song dedicated to my girlfriend)

i would like to dedicate this song to my girlfriend for our 10 months together...

for my girlfriend...
whatever the future holds for us, i know we'll always be together...for better or for worse
i love you so much...and you know the rest

Makes Me Whole by Amel Larrieux

Darling I want you to listen
I stayed up all night, so I can get this thing right
And I don't think there's anything missing
Cause a person like you, made it easy to do
I've waited for so long, to sing to you this song

Cause your eyes are the windows to heaven
Your smile could heal a million souls
Your love completes my existence
You're the other half that makes me whole
You're the only other half that makes me whole

I think the angels are your brothers, yeah
They told you about me, said you're just what she needs
And I find myself thanking your mother
For giving birth to a saint
My spirit flies when I say your name
If there's one thing that's true
It's that I was born to love you

Cause your eyes are the windows to heaven
Your smile could heal a million souls
Your love completes my existence
You're the other half that makes me whole
You're the only other half that makes me whole

You make my dreams
Come true over and, over again
And I honestly truly believe
You and me are written in the stars
I live my whole life through
To giving thanks to you

Cause your eyes are the windows to heaven
Your smile could heal a million souls
Your love completes my existence
You're the other half that makes me whole
You're the only other half that makes me whole

:)