Losing “Friends”

“Hindi ako manhid at hindi rin ako tanga para hindi ko maramdaman and nangyayaring sa paligid ko“.

I never had the luxury of friends, I know. Ever since I was a kid, I just had a handful, and this handful even fades away, one after the other. Yes, I have a lot of friends, in its general term. However, for those people who remain true to what a friend really is…they’re just a few.

From my former home in Muntinlupa, the only people I can really call friends until now are not more than equivalent to all the number of the fingers in my hands.

From my former companions in the seminary, where I spent 7 years of my life, almost everyone completely forgot that I exist.

From my friends at my religious community, do they still remember me?

And from where I am now, can someone please tell me?

I can’t blame them. And I choose not to. Maybe it’s my fault too. Or rather, I believe that it’s partly my fault why I’m losing them. But I won’t admit to such nonsense that spoke of that I’m pushing people away.

I find it weird that I have a lot of friends in sites such as Friendster or Multiply. But are they, really, my friends? Maybe, some of them were…How about right now?

Questions in my head, some of them, popped out like: “Is it because that I’m not with you anymore, that you treat me like a stranger?” or “Is it because that we had crossed each other out that we’re both not open to mend?” But one of the things that I am asking myself right now is, “Do they really see me as a friend, or someone/something else?”

I try to reach out as best as I can, but right now, I am hesitating if what I’m doing still has of any worth. I want, and try, to connect once more to the people that I had been with, to be a friend once more to them.

I cannot stand alone. And I choose not to.

This may be my weakness, but I accept it.

just a simple realization...

for a certain event in my life, i saw that...

when i left, i was forgotten and left behind
seems like everyone forgot about me, or chose to do so
thus, i realized that there is nothing to come back to...

if you only know the reason behind
you may see that there is more than what meets the eye
much more, your eyes in what you're seeing...right now

Waiting for that time to come…

Just today, I celebrated with my girlfriend the 11 months that we had been officially together. Next month, on my birthday, we’ll be having our anniversary. And I thank the Lord for this day (as I always do every day), and much more, I thank the Lord for the strength and continuing guidance He provided us to still be together and in love with each other.

I fetched her in her house at around 9 in the morning and left a little before 10. We went to SM Southmall and roamed around for a little less than 2 hours. We ate our simple lunch together at the foodcourt and went to the cinema. We decided to have some laughs to digest our lunch, so we watched “Superhero Movie”; and as expected, after the movie, we felt hungry again (haha…) I bought her something to drink on the way home, and arrived back to her house at around 4 in the afternoon.

A simple and happy day it was for the both of us, but it was not like that every day…

This past week, for example. We had a lot of misunderstandings, small quarrels and even empty senseless arguments with each other; most of the time was caused by me. From a single complaint such as her not texting me whenever she can, to an argument caused by her not telling me to who she is communicating to; and some others.

Yes, of all those times, we argued and argued to the point that either or both of us would end up crying. And also, for all those times, I ask myself, “What’s happening to me? What’s wrong with me? Am I still afraid of the past?”

But, for all those times that I doubt myself, my worthiness to her and to the joy of the relationship that we’re sharing, she always lets me know that, “Everything’s going to be fine, I’m always here for you. I love you so much”.

There were times that I tell myself, though not in a boastful manner, that she’s lucky to have me. Now, I see myself as wrong. I realized and had completely understood that I’m lucky that I have her. Moreover, I am blessed that I am with her, and she is with me. I love my girlfriend so much.

I just wish that when we’re ready, we can really be together…forever.

Collection of Experiences

It had been quite a while since I last visited and jotted some thoughts to this blog. I had been busy these past few days, for a month or so. Ever since I arrived back home from Canlubang last March 15, I had been given the duty as “temporary” househelper of the house; considering that our helper went home to Bicol for her vacation. She deserves her break, I understand. And as for my part, I need to contribute to the welfare of the house and the family in any way I can, right? (Considering that I’m a member of it)

Some of the scattered experiences I had during that time until the present (some of those that I can remember) are as follows (in enumeration):

• Had my mother’s birthday the next day after I arrived, and I pushed myself not to sleep though tired to make a simple birthday gift to her (a birthday card)
• Been in charge of the whole house, and experiences only short day-offs during the Sunday afternoons from 5 in the afternoon until around 9 in the evening to be with my girlfriend for mass and dinner at her place (I felt like Cinderella with a short time then J)
• Cleaning the whole place, inside and outside the house, in a scheduled basis rotating twice for the whole week.
• Be in charge of two of my brothers (one older, the other younger than me), who are considered as the most disorganized when the house is the topic. Whenever they leave a certain area, I have to be sure that it is placed back in order or else…haha
• Cooking simple dishes for lunch and dinner, especially when my parents tell me to. They would call me up in the afternoon to give me instructions on what to cook and how to cook it.
• Was able to visit our old house in Muntinlupa and gave the old grotto there a “new look” (I repainted the whole of it, using a set of small brushes for detail)
• Went home to Laguna to be in our family’s traditional Holy Week observance there. Unfortunately, only my dad and I went there.
• Was able to survive the mountain of clothes to be washed when our labandera didn’t arrive when she had to. I washed the family’s 7 days worth of clothes and others with the help of the good old washing machine and my hands. My hands still hurt until now (jokes!)

There’s still a lot more, and I’ll post them next time. No one can tell me that I was a slacker during vacation, right? J

makes me whole...(a song dedicated to my girlfriend)

i would like to dedicate this song to my girlfriend for our 10 months together...

for my girlfriend...
whatever the future holds for us, i know we'll always be together...for better or for worse
i love you so much...and you know the rest

Makes Me Whole by Amel Larrieux

Darling I want you to listen
I stayed up all night, so I can get this thing right
And I don't think there's anything missing
Cause a person like you, made it easy to do
I've waited for so long, to sing to you this song

Cause your eyes are the windows to heaven
Your smile could heal a million souls
Your love completes my existence
You're the other half that makes me whole
You're the only other half that makes me whole

I think the angels are your brothers, yeah
They told you about me, said you're just what she needs
And I find myself thanking your mother
For giving birth to a saint
My spirit flies when I say your name
If there's one thing that's true
It's that I was born to love you

Cause your eyes are the windows to heaven
Your smile could heal a million souls
Your love completes my existence
You're the other half that makes me whole
You're the only other half that makes me whole

You make my dreams
Come true over and, over again
And I honestly truly believe
You and me are written in the stars
I live my whole life through
To giving thanks to you

Cause your eyes are the windows to heaven
Your smile could heal a million souls
Your love completes my existence
You're the other half that makes me whole
You're the only other half that makes me whole

:)

just a word of warning

i know blogs are supposed to be a means of expressing one's thoughts...

but don't cross the line...

i post this to you, and you know who you are...

dont assume or even say things you are never sure of... if you think you're right, think again, you're wrong...how do i know? ask the other person...one of which you spoke of....clear your clouded and fantasizing head...

choose: either you retract all the lies that you posted, or let yourself be humiliated.

its my business...and you know why.

peace therapy stuffs

Be at peace with yourself. Even as God calls you to growth and progress, God loves you as you are. You have worth beyond measure, for you are a child of God.

Don’t make war with parts of yourself that you can’t change. Accept your shadow side, your brokenness, your weaknesses, as well as your strengths. Inner peace unifies the parts into wholeness.

Ground yourself in values that you’ve chosen with intent and deliberation. Then determine where your own attitudes and actions are at war with those values. Only you can end the conflict.

Recognize if you’ve made resentment, distrust, hostility your armor against a world that has hurt you in the past. Commit yourself to remove this armor, piece by piece.

When there’s someone with whom you have conflicts, begin to make peace with in your imagination. Picture yours elf at peace. Slowly enlarge the image to include the other person. Put that picture in your mind’s pocket and look at it with love now and then.

Work through your anger. Those who hurt you do so out of their own insecurity, ignorance, and weakness; not strength. Be strong and move beyond your anger toward forgiveness.

Accept responsibility for the times when you’ve hurt others because you lacked inner peace. Make amends to them when you can.

Peace sees similarities among people, not threatening differences that form barriers. Identify a difference, a value, an attitude, a choice- that threatens you. Don’t judge that difference, but seek to understand it.

Measure your words of judgment. People seldom benefit from harsh criticism of their character or actions. Choose words of praise and acceptance, words that builds peace.

Be at peace with your circumstances. Allow what you have no power over to just be as it is. Where you do have power and something needs changing, do what you can and then let go. You don’t have to fix everything.

Declare a personal buffer zone. Make one corner of your home a haven, a sanctuary. When you feel your temper fraying and hear your voice rising, take time out there- perhaps with a book, a poster, or an object that whispers peace to your heart.

Treasure the peace of your past. Remember the times and places you have known peace, and return there in reality or in your heart. Bring the feeling, the grace of those moments to today’s challenges.

Let your heart be untroubled. Even though you can’t see the end of a difficult time, soothe your heart with confidence in a Power beyond yourself.

Passive acceptance of injustice is not peace; it is a threat to peace. Recognize the threat and work of justice. But take care to avoid methods that are as unpeaceful and unjust as what you’re trying to eliminate.

Peace is not simply a bouquet you can hand to a friend. You can, however, be a bouquet yourself. And the fragrance may entice others to transplant tiny seedlings of peace in their own hearts.

You don’t have to make peace yourself, but simply allow the peace of God- already present- to flow through you to others. If you block its gentle current, you force it to chart a course around you. Be a channel of peace.

Choose your own peace theme- a favorite song or hymn or poem or prayer. Hum, sing, or say it when you feel under siege.